I figured it was easiest to answer things this way as I didn’t want the Imgur post to get ridiculous long.
First off, thank you all for the support you’ve shown. It’s not always been easy talking about these issues.
My family is very aware of what’s going on with me with the exception of a few very secretive things. Don’t worry. Nothing criminal-like, but what can I say? We all have secrets.
The reason I think this may be more than schizophrenia is because I also suffer from missing time. There are also moments where I feel as if I am outside myself and things are happening without my consent.
Reading and Learning about Mental Illness
I have been reading and studying mental illness since I was young. I always knew something was wrong with me. It took a very long time for me to accept help. I’ve also learned that’s not at all uncommon.
I read through the comments and I wanted to let you all know I am still trying my best to keep in contact with my doctors while dealing with this problem. Ever since they locked me up that first time though, I have had a very difficult time being able to trust anyone. I’d seen that sort of stuff in movies. You know, where the “crazy” person gets locked up in some asylum. I never thought that it really happened, but it does. I remember when it happened and ever since then, I have lost almost all trust for the system. This is why I haven’t really addressed it with my psychiatrist (I also have a counselor, but I rarely talk to them anymore).
I know it’s important to stay on your meds, but having been on both sides, on and off meds, it’s sometimes hard to figure out which poison is least toxic.
Some of you asked about my works, my books, writings. You can see a couple of them here. Please don’t buy them out of pity. While I would appreciate sales, I am not writing this for that. I am writing it so I can let a few things out.
In case some of you see this post and have no idea what Imgur post I am talking about, you can see it here.
Why Even Post About It?
I’m not doing it for pity or sympathy. In fact, I have found most of my contentment while being away from people. I’m not doing it for sales or website hits. I’m doing simply because it felt right.
I will do my best to stay with my meds and talk to my doctors about this. I am scared to death about ending up in locked room with an orderly on the other side of a piece of bullet proof glass shaking their head at me while I beg them to tell me why I’m there. It all makes sense to me though as far as why I’ve kept this all hidden for so long. I love being able to trust people, but if you ever break that trust, it’s nearly impossible to get back.
This is why I’ve kept it all so hidden.